Thursday, May 29, 2003
Guest Column
Whatever Happened to the Mid-Summer Classic?
by Mike Scarfo
Do you remember when we were kids and the All Star Game seemed to be so exciting? The half way point of the baseball season was that little break we all needed from the daily glance at our favorite teams' boxscores. It was a great reason to get together with your friends and eat too much pizza, drink too much Mountain Dew and was a chance to see a rarity: the American League’s best vs. the National League’s best. I remember being so excited when I was a kid that I could go to a game early in the season, just so I could stuff the ballot boxes with votes for my favorite players. In the old days, B.I. (before internet), this was the only way to make your voice heard on behalf of the players you wanted to see play on that Tuesday night in July.
How times have changed.
Last week I was driving with my girlfriend to get something to eat. Baseball was the last thing on my mind as I pulled into a local Subway restaurant. As I approached the door, my brain was only thinking, "White or wheat?" But as I walked up to the counter, America's Pastime was unexpectedly brought to my attention. To my utter shock and total surprise, there was a large pile of Major League All-Star Ballots on the counter right next to the "Tips are appreciated" cup.
I opened the colorful pamphlet and began to look at some of the names. The first thing I thought about was the joy I used to get when I'd go to Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium and fill these things out. It was serious business back then. Nothing could break my focus on those names on the ballot. With a certain level of intensity I would punch out the little baseball circles next to my favorite players… “Well, you gotta pick Ozzie for short in the NL, but I don’t know about Ripken this year…” “Let’s see…outfielders…Puckett, Winfield and…”
"Do you want mayo?"
"Huh?" I quickly replied, my images of All-Stars gone by broken by the reality of that oddly-cut bread.
"Do you want mayo? On your sandwich?" asked the Subway employee with a lovely tattoo of a pyramid with a red eyeball bulging on his right arm.
It was at that moment I realized how long ago it was since I felt the excitement of punching out those little holes. And I also realized that this game isn't really that special after all. Hell, last year the game ended tied at a touchdown apiece. Really impressive, Bud.
In fact, the All-Star game has turned into a total joke. This year’s game is going to be hosted in what many believe is the worst "new" stadium in baseball, Comiskey Park. The outcome is going decide which league gets the home field advantage in the World Series. My reaction: “Huh?” Why would any sport put any real meaning into an exhibition game? For pride? The era of league pride has vanished with the institution of free agency, as players bouncing from team to team is commonplace. Some players are just as likely to take their one or two at-bats and board their private jet by the 4th inning, then actually stay and root for their fellow All-Stars.
This game has become a disappointment to me because I don't care who wins, I don’t care who plays, and I don't care who wins the homerun derby. I just don't care. The event has been cheapened and all the gimmicks in the world cannot make me change my mind.
Because of this, I’ve decided to answer the question: "What players would best represent what has become of today's All Star Game, with their abundantly over-inflated contracts and pitiful on-field performances?" So in my moment of digression, I have come up with the Mike Scarfo 2003 Inept Performance Team. Yes, these guys are actually on the ballot. So get out to a Subway near you, or any other odd places that have the ballots, order a ham and pastrami and vote.
AL 1B - Hometown hero Paul Konerko. Good ol' Pauly is pounding the sphere at an astronomical BA of .213. His 3 HR and 15 RBI are just the kind of power numbers a team needs from one of its primary run producers.
NL 1B - No brainer: Mo Vaughn. Mo was not available for comment on his nomination for the team because he's busy getting his 274th opinion on his knee. Word has it that the latest doctor's examination revealed that Mo can't touch his toes, or see his toes for that matter, let alone field a grounder.
AL 2B - Luis Rivas. Mr. Rivas' stellar .277 OBP puts him in the starting lineup by just a hair over Carlos Febles of the Royals who is too busy going on and off of the disabled list for the 9th season in a row.
NL 2B - Our second member of the Mets: Robby Alomar! OK, truth be told, his numbers aren't as bad as you might think. But take a look at what this guy has done since going to Shea. Nothing is being too kind. Hall of famers can't do this and not be expected to get ripped for it.
AL 3B - Jeff Cirillo - This career .290 hitter (pre-Mariner days) has solidified his spot on this year's squad by posting a solid .230 batting average. Almost more impressive is that this guy's fallen faster off the face of the earth than that comedian guy that married Darva Conger on "Who wants to marry a millionaire?"
NL 3B - Mark Bellhorn. Last year he hit 27 homeruns and hit .255. This year he’s on pace to hit 6 homeruns and is barely treading .200 Where have you gone Ronnie Santo?
AL SS - Miguel Tejada. Has there ever been a reigning Most Valuable Player that has vanished so much in the season following his award? How do you go from hitting 308-34-131 to hitting 218 on Memorial Day the next year?
NL SS - Rey Sanchez. Rey was unavailable for comment because he was getting auburn highlights prior to the Mets/Phillies game at the Vet.
AL C - Sandy Alomar. Raise your hand if you thought he was still playing? Thought so.
NL C - Michael Barrett. Barrett is hitting .159 on the season. When you're 41 points BELOW the Mendoza line, maybe it’s time to think of another line of work.
AL OF - Gary Matthews, Marty Cordova, Andres Torres. Do you believe they wasted ink printing these guys names on the ballot?
NL OF - Alex Sanchez, Danny Bautista and Roger Cedeno. These three couldn't catch flies next to a pile of horse manure. Boy, doesn't that leave a great visual?
Oh well, at least there's the Pro Bowl to look forward to.
Mike Scarfo was a master at stuffing the ballot boxes. He would be able to punch through 20-25 ballots at a time with ease.
Whatever Happened to the Mid-Summer Classic?
by Mike Scarfo
Do you remember when we were kids and the All Star Game seemed to be so exciting? The half way point of the baseball season was that little break we all needed from the daily glance at our favorite teams' boxscores. It was a great reason to get together with your friends and eat too much pizza, drink too much Mountain Dew and was a chance to see a rarity: the American League’s best vs. the National League’s best. I remember being so excited when I was a kid that I could go to a game early in the season, just so I could stuff the ballot boxes with votes for my favorite players. In the old days, B.I. (before internet), this was the only way to make your voice heard on behalf of the players you wanted to see play on that Tuesday night in July.
How times have changed.
Last week I was driving with my girlfriend to get something to eat. Baseball was the last thing on my mind as I pulled into a local Subway restaurant. As I approached the door, my brain was only thinking, "White or wheat?" But as I walked up to the counter, America's Pastime was unexpectedly brought to my attention. To my utter shock and total surprise, there was a large pile of Major League All-Star Ballots on the counter right next to the "Tips are appreciated" cup.
I opened the colorful pamphlet and began to look at some of the names. The first thing I thought about was the joy I used to get when I'd go to Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium and fill these things out. It was serious business back then. Nothing could break my focus on those names on the ballot. With a certain level of intensity I would punch out the little baseball circles next to my favorite players… “Well, you gotta pick Ozzie for short in the NL, but I don’t know about Ripken this year…” “Let’s see…outfielders…Puckett, Winfield and…”
"Do you want mayo?"
"Huh?" I quickly replied, my images of All-Stars gone by broken by the reality of that oddly-cut bread.
"Do you want mayo? On your sandwich?" asked the Subway employee with a lovely tattoo of a pyramid with a red eyeball bulging on his right arm.
It was at that moment I realized how long ago it was since I felt the excitement of punching out those little holes. And I also realized that this game isn't really that special after all. Hell, last year the game ended tied at a touchdown apiece. Really impressive, Bud.
In fact, the All-Star game has turned into a total joke. This year’s game is going to be hosted in what many believe is the worst "new" stadium in baseball, Comiskey Park. The outcome is going decide which league gets the home field advantage in the World Series. My reaction: “Huh?” Why would any sport put any real meaning into an exhibition game? For pride? The era of league pride has vanished with the institution of free agency, as players bouncing from team to team is commonplace. Some players are just as likely to take their one or two at-bats and board their private jet by the 4th inning, then actually stay and root for their fellow All-Stars.
This game has become a disappointment to me because I don't care who wins, I don’t care who plays, and I don't care who wins the homerun derby. I just don't care. The event has been cheapened and all the gimmicks in the world cannot make me change my mind.
Because of this, I’ve decided to answer the question: "What players would best represent what has become of today's All Star Game, with their abundantly over-inflated contracts and pitiful on-field performances?" So in my moment of digression, I have come up with the Mike Scarfo 2003 Inept Performance Team. Yes, these guys are actually on the ballot. So get out to a Subway near you, or any other odd places that have the ballots, order a ham and pastrami and vote.
AL 1B - Hometown hero Paul Konerko. Good ol' Pauly is pounding the sphere at an astronomical BA of .213. His 3 HR and 15 RBI are just the kind of power numbers a team needs from one of its primary run producers.
NL 1B - No brainer: Mo Vaughn. Mo was not available for comment on his nomination for the team because he's busy getting his 274th opinion on his knee. Word has it that the latest doctor's examination revealed that Mo can't touch his toes, or see his toes for that matter, let alone field a grounder.
AL 2B - Luis Rivas. Mr. Rivas' stellar .277 OBP puts him in the starting lineup by just a hair over Carlos Febles of the Royals who is too busy going on and off of the disabled list for the 9th season in a row.
NL 2B - Our second member of the Mets: Robby Alomar! OK, truth be told, his numbers aren't as bad as you might think. But take a look at what this guy has done since going to Shea. Nothing is being too kind. Hall of famers can't do this and not be expected to get ripped for it.
AL 3B - Jeff Cirillo - This career .290 hitter (pre-Mariner days) has solidified his spot on this year's squad by posting a solid .230 batting average. Almost more impressive is that this guy's fallen faster off the face of the earth than that comedian guy that married Darva Conger on "Who wants to marry a millionaire?"
NL 3B - Mark Bellhorn. Last year he hit 27 homeruns and hit .255. This year he’s on pace to hit 6 homeruns and is barely treading .200 Where have you gone Ronnie Santo?
AL SS - Miguel Tejada. Has there ever been a reigning Most Valuable Player that has vanished so much in the season following his award? How do you go from hitting 308-34-131 to hitting 218 on Memorial Day the next year?
NL SS - Rey Sanchez. Rey was unavailable for comment because he was getting auburn highlights prior to the Mets/Phillies game at the Vet.
AL C - Sandy Alomar. Raise your hand if you thought he was still playing? Thought so.
NL C - Michael Barrett. Barrett is hitting .159 on the season. When you're 41 points BELOW the Mendoza line, maybe it’s time to think of another line of work.
AL OF - Gary Matthews, Marty Cordova, Andres Torres. Do you believe they wasted ink printing these guys names on the ballot?
NL OF - Alex Sanchez, Danny Bautista and Roger Cedeno. These three couldn't catch flies next to a pile of horse manure. Boy, doesn't that leave a great visual?
Oh well, at least there's the Pro Bowl to look forward to.
Mike Scarfo was a master at stuffing the ballot boxes. He would be able to punch through 20-25 ballots at a time with ease.
